The Vague and Concrete – My Dilemma and Plan

16 Jan

This semester I intend to mature. Yes, I know, I am already the most mature, good-looking and serious male known to women. But from an acute knowledge of my own faults and my own ambitions, it has become clear to me that I must either grow stronger or relinquish certain desires I have for my life. I should be clear about those desires – they are utterly vague and quite undefined. I have felt pushed by my faith, well, let us start again: I have this faith in a particular God who manifests himself in three ways. This quickly caused constant intellectual anxiety and continues to do so into the present day. A fruit of this anxiety has been a particular appetite (my appetites are generally a bit over-blown) for it’s opposite – non-intellectual-anxiety or assuredness of, well, anything. This assuredness I think can happen one of two ways. One, I could relax. Two, I could actually commit myself to a life of thought. The first is, lets be honest, boring and if that weren’t reason enough, dishonest for me. Yet, there is a nagging worry that I might be happy, which might indicate a poor disposition for any serious work in philosophy or scholarship, any serious undertaking requiring reading, writing and thought.

My enemies to forming a character capable of serious thought have all been carefully chosen by me over the years. The need for constant social-interaction, alcohol, girls, nice things, the desire to be happy, and an unswerving devotion to combine all of these into one Saturday, all contribute to my self-loathing. Even my uncanny ability for self-depreciating humor tinges me with a bit of “unseriousness.”

Let us then relent and speak with all seriousness. The disorder I’m correcting isn’t abnormal but it is real. If I don’t correct it in myself I must, with all seriousness, give up and seek happiness at the price of relaxing the bow. It’s a question of whether I enjoy learning for the sake of simply interesting conversations and impressing peers or if I’m actually looking to uncover something about the not-abnormal disorder I see around me. I can either accept the confusion or undo it. Now that I’ve given you the vague dilemma that haunts me, allow me to speak of specific tasks, and tools, I hope will play a role in the ordering of my life.

– First is hygiene and orderliness of possessions. Maybe I say this first because I’ve worked at this my entire life and am a generally clean person. Regardless, I feel overwhelmed inwardly if outwardly I’m a wreck.

– I hope to use music, and this is an area I’ve dabbled in for the ordering of soul but never for long or wholeheartedly.

– Getting out of the bubble, that is, without going to a bar. With the help of some friends I have located a few libraries, each within a 40 minute drive. I hope to make a number of weekend explorations of libraries, creating time to read and do work.

– A big part of the exploration project is avoiding the hangover. Goodness, why does that feeling have to come after such a swell time? But it does, and it is never in the mood to be crossed, that is, it is never in the mood to do anything but nothing.

– I had planned on snatching up this girl I had been talking to last semester, but after a putting a good amount of energy into it since I got back I’m fairly confident it is not meant to be, unfortunately, I don’t think I inspired similar feelings. Girls, I think, will persist in disordering my soul for years to come. Thankfully, I give as good as I get. And no, that is not a sexual innuendo.

Well, that’s about all. I guess, to sum it up, my big idea and what I’m truthfully excited about is going to these libraries. I’m hoping to find the trip, the act of going somewhere nice, stimulating enough to coax my will into more arduous weekend labor. It is now a quarter past two and well past any reasonable persons bedtime. I’ll be tired in church tomorrow but it will be good for my soul to be there – hymns are a big part of the music programme and church attendance is naturally part of hearing them. So goodnight all, I hope you’re Sunday is nice.

All The Best,

Cole Simmons


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