Resolved, except not – thankfully, it’s Friday.

15 Apr

The title of this post is misleading – nothing is resolved. “Life in Limbo” would be the title to the television series of my life. The only constant – Steve the cat. Except he’s not a constant because he lives in the great state of Virginia. Last night, I was decidedly awake for hours. My mind had decided that it was a great time simply to think about the entirety of my future – and this at a time when there is no possible way of knowing what I’m even doing next year. LAME. Of course, a million other tiny questions push their way to the fore, along with a multitude of past conversations and “to-do lists” for, well, today. And then, a definitive statement of everything finally settled my mind on all possible future decisions and I happily lapsed into sleep.

Which, by the way, has become a weird process for me over the past couple of years. Some time during my senior year at St. John’s, I became acutely aware of how non-sensical my thoughts get right before sleep. Just absolute random connections that make no sense and are probably even less coherent than a decent dream. Since I made this connection, these thoughts commonly prompt the thought “oh, I’m falling asleep.” At this point something terrible occurs. I am falling asleep, which is always some magical gift that I receive and not something upon which I can rely. And in the midst of that magical moment, before rest overtakes consciousness, I have this re-insertion of myself and become aware: “I am falling asleep” is a completely coherent thought. Often times followed by other coherent thoughts like “I hope I continue to fall asleep” or “what one earth was I thinking?” This is always a moment of slight alarm (because I really want to sleep) but sometimes of relief (because I am falling asleep). During the moments when I am alarmed, I purposely attempt to impel my mind back into senselessness, by recreating what thoughts had led me to it. (Recreating the exact thoughts that lead to senselessness is, I take it, not really responsible for the general success I have in falling asleep this way; rather, I’m just so tired that any concerted effort on the part of my brain matter leads it back into sleep, and therefore the senseless stage before sleep.)

Well, if any psychologists read this blog and want to analyze this sequence of brain activity, please do. If any of you have similar experiences, I would love to hear about them. That is, of course, if anyone reads this post. Anyway, it’s laundry day.

Happy Friday,

Cole

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2 Responses to “Resolved, except not – thankfully, it’s Friday.”

  1. Kristin Brænne April 15, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

  2. Cassie J. April 15, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    YAY STEVE!

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